Everybody's got an Uncle Bruce -- that one gay acquaintance who may not be your actual uncle ("They never are dear.") but is beloved nonetheless, despite -- and perhaps because of -- his quintessential queerness. And I don't mean Queer with an academic capital q. I mean queer with a capital $. He subscribes to Out AND the Advocate. He actually uses the Pink Pages for finding things other than an understanding attorney, physician, or tanning salon. He's a shareholder of PlanetOut - where he lists "Being Gay" as a hobby. He's Focus on the Family's worst nightmare and a marketer's wet dream.
Strangely though, trapped in his gay ghettoized view of the world, he's been out of touch style-wise for years. He just took down those Patrick Nagel prints he stole after he got fired from the Regis nearly two decades ago, and he only did that to make room for his ever-expanding black and white male nudes collection that would rival a Bruce Weber career retrospective sponsored by Abercrombie and Fitch.
Therefore, Christmas shopping for Uncle Bruce can be difficult. You want him to unwrap something he'll like but also want to give him something to which you're not ashamed to attach your tag. The naked French rugby player book is out because he's out of coffee table space. (Uncle Bruce never has bookshelves. Or typically books with words.) What's a Secret Santa to do?
As is often the case, the Material Girl provides a way to spend your cash and satisfy the gay you love.
Madonna launches wine range In the words of Kevin Costner: Neat
Wines include a Barbera, a Cabernet Sauvignon, a Pinot Grigio, and a "de-alcoholized" red table wine that the distributor, Celebrity Cellars, calls UnWine. Though not savvy enough to avoid using and trademarking the term "UnWine", Celebrity Cellars is wise enough to avoid the slogan "UnWine -- all of the headache with none of the drunkenness!"
The marketing does amuse however, with the copy "Finally there is a collectible as complex and sophisticated as the artist herself". Snarf snarf snarf. I imagine even she has to roll her lazy eye at that one. Of course, she does so as she teaches Rocco math counting her money aloud in her dulcet faux British accent, so whose remarkably toned ass is having the last laugh?
Madonna orders won't be shipped until January 12, 2006, so you won't be able to get a bottle for under Uncle Bruce's pink-lighted tree this Christmas. But write him a note in a Hot Santa Christmas Card telling him his gift is on the way and everybody wins.
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