Every five years or so, All My Children brings in a new, stunning, talented ingenue to keep our eyes distracted from Erica Kane's sagging neck. Sure, we soap fans will play along that a 5'2" woman was once a "supermodel" but you've got to make the effort to fool us somehow. (Just kidding, Susan Lucci is as gorgeous as you'd ever imagine a vixen could be when pushing 95 -- give or take.) You can tell who these newly minted soap superstars are by their proximity to Lucci's picture in the opening credits; their smiling headshots are placed one or two before Lucci herself -- Erica is never least, but always last.
But these PYTs eventually shine too brightly: as their popularity rises, they end up on every other cover of ABC Soaps In Depth, all storyline roads somehow lead to them, and naturally, their characters end up being related to Erica. These young ladies become hot shit that is far too hot for the soapy suburbs of Pine Valley, and they go on to brighter pastures -- but never quite as bright as you might expect -- because they too, by either geographic or fictional kin proximity, have been vexed by the ancient gypsy Lucci Curse.
A well-known example: Sarah Michelle Gellar
These days, All My Kids' ingenue role is played by Leven Rambin. First brought in to play long-suffering, autistic drama queen Lily Montgomery (whose mom was shot by a homophobic asshole who was pissed that his brother was happily coming out on her mom's talk show), Rambin's youthful charm and ability to play batshit insane at the sound of any car backfiring made always-two-steps-from-catatonic, afraid-of-the-color-red, can't-be-touched Lily a fan-favorite during her saccharine-sweet celibate marriage to brain-damaged-due-to-a-tumor (which, of course, forgives his murderous past) Jonathan Lavery. Adopted and raised by Jackson Montgomery after her mom's murder, Lily became, naturally, Erica's beloved step-daughter when Erica married Jack in her 19th (give or take) wedding ceremony.
Lily's front-burner status soon cooled after her relationship with Jonathan took a nosedive when, miraculously, his brain damage was cured when he was hit over the head trying to save virginal Lily from a creepy Internet stalker (whose ex-wife had conveniently hooked up with Ryan, Jonathan's brother, and had been on the run trying to protect her daughter -- who'd been sired by Ryan's donated sperm -- from her creepy molesting ex but that's another story...) Anyway, Jonathan lied to Lily and pretended to still be brain damaged so her autistic ass would still feel comfortable not touching him. Lily found out. Hell was paid -- or at least, Lily-Hell -- which involves annulling the marriage, lots of tears, counting backwards from 100 to avoid catatonia, and no touching.
Though Rambin sat on the back bench for a while -- because there are only so many soap stories you can tell with a character who doesn't like crowds, loud noises, and -- it cannot be stressed enough --being touched (even Erica's lesbian daughter gets more ass than Lily), just about the time their new find might have been tempted to jump ship, Rambin was given a new acting challenge.
It turns out that Lily has a half-sister named Ava -- who, along with being loud and slutty -- which, in soap-speak, means tragically damaged just underneath her too-abrasive surface -- happens to look EXACTLY like Lily (if you dye her also tragically damaged roots)!
So now AMC can keep their rising star and ask such classic storyline questions as "Can an autistic girl comfortably touch her identical half-sister's hand since it looks like hers?" and "Can Jonathan do it with Ava since she looks just like his beloved Lily but is conveniently slutty?" Spoiler alert: the answers to both questions have been a resounding (though, depending on the question, very sweet and morally objectionable) "YES!"
So why, even though I'm a big fan of Rambin, am I moved today to explain the intricacies of how things with in Soapland today when it seems like she may escape the curse that has befallen those that have come before her and stick around Pine Valley for a while? I mention it because I'm troubled by this picture from Star Magazine in which 17 year old Leven Rambin is shown getting slightly freaky with Barron Hilton (yes, Paris's brother).
Look, Lily CAN be touched!
Yes, that was maybe the longest set-up for a weak punchline in Logopolis history.
But, while were at it, some other thoughts.
- Paris Hilton has a brother, and I didn't know about him? Really?
- Paris Hilton has a brother, and I didn't know about him. Does the E! network know about him?
- Paris Hilton has a secret brother and he's not gay? Really?
- Barron Hilton is a hell of a name. Totally makes the point but...
- Isn't it missing a "von"? Barron von Hilton is a totally more awesome -- read: gay supervillain -- name.
That is all. For now.
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