Logopolis

Letters to the Golden Globes Red Carpet

Dear Eva Mendes:

Your necklace is ugly. And your dress is uglier.  And dressed like that you shouldn't talk about your new design line at Macy's.

Love

Logopolis

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Dear Macy's:

Eva Mendes?  Really?  WTF?

Love,

Logopolis

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Dear Mrs. Billy Ray Cyrus:

Please stop dressing like a whore.

Love,

Logopolis

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Dear Marissa Tomeii:

It was very nice of you to dress so hideiously to deflect attention from Eva Mendes.  Also, the pirate ship called. They said "Arrgh, matey."

Love,

Logopolis

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Dear Ryan Seacrest:

If Brad and Agelina don't come up to do interviews and they walk away from you on the red carpet and their security guards block you from getting closer, they ARE NOT "rushing inside because the show's about to start", especially when it's 20 minutes before 8:00 EST and they are still outside 15 minutes later.  Just saying.

Love

Logopolis

P.S. Asking the cast of The Dark Knight about Heath Ledger is very tacky and I'm glad you were put in your place because of it.

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Dear Logopolis Readers:

I had a lot more letters to write (based mostly on PunkAndy's commentary) but I was also playing a game so I couldn't concentrate.  Sorry to deny you the real jokes.

Love

Mike

Okay, one more as the show starts:

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Dear Jennifer Lopez:

Don't you have that dress in green?   Also, hello Golden Globes!

Love

Logopolis

Wow

So I just heard that if crowd estimates hold true, the inauguration will be the largest gathering of people ever in the Western Hemisphere -- which makes me a little jealous. (However, the same commentary said folks were heading there because they hadn't attended the REAL historical moment, which was Election Night at Grant Park. So there.)

UPDATE: Okay, those were the old crowd estimates.  New estimates just make it the the top in the United States that didn't involve a sports franchise winning a championship.

How Quickly We Forget: What Impeachment Actually Means

Remember back in the mid-1990s, when the House of Representatives were doing their bullshit witch hunt of Bill Clinton for lying about letting gays in the military and not doing something so stupidly homophobic as bragging about signing the Defense of Marriage Act... wait, that's not what they were dogging him about...

Anyway, back then, it seemed like every jackass on the news was a Constitutional scholar and knew all the ends and outs of impeachment.

But last night on NBC 5 news, in reporting about the impeachmnet of Rod "The Psycho*" Blagojevich, the news anchor whose name is totally slipping my mind (the white guy who used to host "Chicago Tonight") spoke of the impeachment vote as all that it needed to get the Governor out of office.

For those who don't remember, including the media who can't be bothered to learn the details of what they are reporting, here's a reminder from the fountain of truth, Wikipedia, in the FIRST LINE of the article on impeachment:

Impeachment is the first of two stages in a specific process for a legislative body to forcibly remove a government official. The second stage is conviction.

Remember, Clinton joined Andrew Jackson as the only president who had ever been impeached.  This, obviously (or is obvious if you can remember way back a decade ago), did not lead to him leaving office.  Nixon, who did resign, never gave them the opportunity to impeach him.  This may mean -- and these things are hard because it is so hard to measure amounts that are so tiny -- that he has more class than Blagojevich.

* If you haven't, you should totally read the memo about just how imbalanced his former aide thinks the hopefully soon to be former Governor is. It's train wreck fascinating.

In Which I Steal A Joke Two Jokes from The Daily Show

A little known headstone is hidden behind Roland Burris Tomb o' Accomplishments.

Apparently, they ran out of room, but here it is:

 

The pictures don't lie.

Also, I ignored the bullshit that Burris spewed at church this Sunday about how the hands of Lord touched Blagojevich to name him, but this artist's rendering of the meeting from The Daily Show can't be ignored.

First Delicious Dump of the New Year: "Black" Talk, "White" Skin, the 16th President, and YOUR American Idol

Added Bonus: Irregardless of what you think, "conversate" is a word

Ta-Nehisi Coates argues for one the classic words of Ebonics in depth after using it in his always interesting blog...also follow the links to read his great story on Michelle Obama in The Atlantic

How many albinos are there in Tanzania? - By Juliet Lapidos - Slate

Because a story about child killing, white Africans, and witch doctors isn't fucked up enough, this Explainer also brings up the social acceptability of in-breeding at the end. I'm all for cultural relativism but this is severely whacked and wrong.

Kelly Clarkson “My Life Would Suck Without You” Single Cover Photo

Kelly's either lost some weight or is being photographed differently. One hopes she hasn't lost her curves -- and I seriously doubt she has. But either way this photo is pretty hot. (Also "suck" has too meanings -- get it? get it?)   This song is apparently being produced by Katy Perry's "Kissed a Girl" producers, which, despite my problems with that song, sounds like the potential for a pretty awesome pop hit. We'll see -- the single drops (I can't believe I just typed that) January 19th.

How To Wish Lincoln A Happy 200th Birthday

Send a birthday card to Springfield, Illnois. Origanizers are hoping you'll make a homemade one for our 16th president. I think I'm going to do this. Because I am seven.

Stuff I Wish I'd Written: A Bailout I Can Believe In

So I've been watching reruns on The West Wing thanks to Bravo, TiVo Desktop Plus, and its neat ability to download season pass episodes and convert them for your iPhone.  I'd forgotten just how good it was when it was good, but remember why I gave up watching it when the Bush Years got especially bad (on the show, the Bush-clone Governor Richie was routed in his election bid).  There are also plot points from episodes that I forgot because they weren't important to me at the time.

For example, in the episode "Enemies Foreign and Domestic", the plot around Russia possibly selling nuclear weapons to Iran and the threat against the life of C.J. Craig was a lot more interesting.  However, a C- or D-plot revolved around Antares -- a Pentium-like computer chip manufacturer coming forward with the fact that their main chip is causing trouble and they are going to recall them. Leo, President Bartlett's cheif of staff wants the government to help them out, but this is all complicated by the fact that Antares's CEO is a friend and a campaign contributor.  I believe in government bailouts because when it comes down to it, I'm a Democrat.  I believe in them because there are things that the free market can't take care of, that are too big for individuals to fix.  That's why I believe in health care because they 

But none of this seemed very important back in the heady days of terrorism plots and wars and such.  Ah 2002, if only you were truly a distant memory.

Anyway, the scene is below -- though since Martin Sheen and the late, great John Spencer act that pants off of it, it loses a lot in the translation; the lines I loved are in bold.  (It opens with Leo asking about the President's television habit because earlier the staff was trying to figure out a way to get out of the summit with the Russian president, since intelligence had discovered them possibly making bombs for Iran, and Rob Lowe had suggested they say that maybe the President wanted to stay home to watch TV and didn't trust his VCR because he didn't trust technology.)

Ad of the Day

Blagojevich Hair Gel

You need it. Yes. Where do find it? Metrogogo - best Chicago directory.

www.metrogogo.com

Note -- this ad actually doesn't lead to the hair gel. But I like the concept.

So after all of that, my political reporter at home finds that Roland Burris has defended himself into a Senate seat. Good for him. Before this, I would have voted for him perhaps -- but I sure hope the Democrats put up somebody -- anybody in the primary. I will do every thing in my power to support that person -- even if it's Lisa Madigan. Good luck Roland; you're starting a job where you alienated all your co-workers with your grandstanding before you started, so you'll need it.

Update: Maybe not -- as Jesse White still stands in the way. (These updates are all delayed as Andy is watching them all on the Tivoed episode of The View.)

Another picture from yesterday

So somebody at the urinal in the men's room at Sears thought the texture of the wall looked so much like Wilma Flinstone that they added an eye. This provided the most amusement I've had in a public restroom for quite some time.  (Despite changes I made, this picture is still showing up small; click on it to make it larger.)

Logopolis Mike Answers Your Mail

Allen wrote yesterday evening:

You know this right...right...oh my God oh my God

Lauren Graham Joins ‘Guys and Dolls’

(Sorry if you blogged about this long ago...)

Wow. Wow. Wow.  

I did not blog about this -- nor had I heard about it.  But I kid you not, as I laid in bed this morning, after asking Andy to bring me my phone so I could review my schedule to decide whether or not to go to work today -- because, again I kid you not, my yoga class yesterday not only kicked my ass and made me achey -- as working out for the first time in over half a decade will do -- but it also, I believe, released so many toxins that I think I nearly poisoned myself with self-toxins.  (You have to think that a lot of them were built up...given, well, everything.) 

Anyway, I read this email as was so inspired by how excited this made me (and I've never even seen "Guys and Dolls" in its entirety) that I decided to go to work today.  Seriously. 

(These two paragraphs were actually from my email response to Allen, which might make me a a bad blogger and a bad friend.)

Stephen comented about yesterday's gabcast --which I had every intention of putting into text form yesterday but I was so tired and sore when I got home from work that I collapsed and fell asleep -- except for waking up and having a toxin-based freak out around 10:00:

Yoga?!? Why don't you just stand in a corner and I'll hit you with a stick. You'll feel the same afterwards. Oy...

Seriously, I think I would hurt less if you had beat me with a stick because (a) I know your beatings aren't that hard and are meant in the best possible way and (b) I could barely make it to the shower this morning.  That said, it is the best kind of pain.  Okay, maybe the second best kind of pain.

(This paragraph is full of personal information and sexual innuendo which may or may not be true and is perhaps better intended for a personal email which again makes me a questionable friend...though I do think it makes me a better blogger.)

Vidal Sasson (who originally designed the haircut for the Doctor's granddaughter Susan in the 1960s) and David Tennant (the Doctor with the best hair so far) wrote an imagnary letter saying:

So what's up with your awesome messy hair that you had yesterday?  You mentioned it during the podcast and even though we're eighty years old and starring in Hamlet in London respectively, we've been waiting with baited breath, imaginarily.

Sorry. Here it is:

Though the picture isn't the greatest, you'll also note that the pictures hide my face because even though I felt awesome because PunkAndy had made me chocolate chip pankcakes to assist my first day of work for the new year, I also felt fat because I'd just eaten a plate of said pancakes, syrup, whipped cream, and butter.  Also my face looked fat in the pictures.  And I'm not fat.  So posting those pictures would be not only be disrespectful of me, they'd be untruthful. And Logopolis strives for truth, damn it!

Gabcast! Logopolis Audio #2