Dear Drew Peterson:
We here at Michael, Phillips, and McNamara, Chicago's newest amateur P.R consulting firm, read with interest the screamingly-large font on the front page of yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times, that you were 'sick of being called sinister'; you told this to gossip columnist Michael Sneed in an exclusive pre-trial interview.*
Mr. Peterson, never one to pass up a chance to help my fellow 'man', we would like to offer you, free of charge, our valuable media insight in this matter and present this hopefully invaluable 3-point media plan on How To Not Be Called Sinister.
1) Change up your look. We've seen you on the news too many times in too many different situations, and you always have the same smug look. Maybe you aren't an insufferable jagoff. But your appearance says otherwise. Further, after the Rob Lowe Lifetime movie, no matter how you feel about it (your reaction: "Not seeing Kaley Cuoco in a bikini was a waste of time."), you'd do better to get the world not to think about your grey facial hair, even if you aren't just going 'just moustache for the time being.
We understand that a man of your stature may feel that the clean-shaven look is not the type of image you want to project. But a friend of mine used to have a saying about whether or not a man should grow a goatee -- if it doesn't make you look like a devil, shave it off. While I agree with that sentiment, with you, you're looking for the opposite reaction. So shave it off. It might show the doughiness of your 58 years, but I don't think that could hurt you at this point. You can grow it back later -- when we've all decided to stop calling you sinister
2) Quit looking like you're having so much fun. You tell Sneed “I’m just a wise-ass [ex-cop] who gets in trouble for attempting to be funny...But what’s happening is not funny." Then quit acting like it is.
Out of all the many times you've put your foot in your mouth and out of all the horrible things you've been described as doing, for some reason, your perp walk after you got arrested sticks out the most. You had been arrested for the murder of your children's mother. This is a solemn occasion if there ever was one. And not like a "Irish wake" solemnity, but a full-on, no grin serious time. But you've never been able to manage that in front of the cameras.
You blame the media for your treatment. But even under a gag order (which I guess this exclusive interview somehow doesn't violate), you managed to keep yourself in the public eye by writing letters and statements to the media and were often brought to our attention by some of those same folk -- particularly Chicago Sun-Times columnist Michael Sneed. (What a coincidence!) Don't get me wrong -- the media aren't without fault here. But when you do an interview, you make jokes about Cosmo and Kelly Cuoco in a bikini. This is, I suppose, an attempt at being funny. Not only does this attempt fail, but hamming it up with media is NOT what you want to be doing here. (And though this isn't the most accurate measure, when I type "drew peterson" + "hamming it up" into Google, I get 1,410 results. You aren't doing yourself any favors.)
And finally, and on this point, we insist there is no negotiation if you would like to meet your goal:
3) Stop killing your wives.
* Bonus game for those playing at home: find proof in the opening paragraph that the Chicago Sun-Times has turned into a ‘garish, down-market tabloid’ as its former TV/radio columnist Robert Feder said of his old paper last April. It's the easiest newspaper related game outside of Shylock Fox.
